MarySue Mockfest2004: Pirates of the Caribbean
by Phaidra
Summary: A spin-off of TheNoblePlatypus's MarySue Mockfest2003. Celestina is at her old tricks again, only this time, she's got a new victom, and a different fandom...
1. The Plan of Celestina Windbreaker

Disclaimer:  In a nutshell, I own nada.  Celestina does not belong to me, the GoC doesn't belong to me, MarySues don't belong to me, and Celestina's room does not belong to me.  All those (barring the Mary Sues) belong to the wonderful Platy.  I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, either.  I wish.  Don't we all?

NOTE: You should read Platy's MarySue Mockfest2003 before you read this; otherwise you might not understand some of the characters, and some of the things that are written.

Prologue

Once upon a time there was a goddess.  This goddess had two children, both of whom were rebellious, and made their mom's job much harder.

Celestina Windbreaker, Goddess of Mary Sues, was the oldest.  She tormented her mother with her actions (although not necessarily on purpose—only sometimes—but it was in her nature; it was her very being that made her do the things she did.  However, it was her personality that made her enjoy it).

One day she went too far.  She did one too many tenth-member Fellowship stories, and the Goddess of Canon (her mother) cracked down on her.  Celestina was grounded.  Celestina was going to plot her revenge.  Someone might be sorry, and Someone might be made to pay…

Chapter One

Celestina Windbreaker, the Goddess of Mary Sues, was boring a hole into the wall with her deep, dark purple with just a hint of gold in her eyes eyes.  She had just been grounded.  *She* had just been grounded.  She had just been *grounded!*

Celestina was amazed.  That had never happened before.  Okay, so maybe she had been grounded once…or twice…or five or six…million…times, or more, but she conveniently forgot that minor detail.  It didn't sound as good as saying she'd never been grounded.

So anyway, she had to find a way out of this dilemma; find some way around it.  In this case, it meant sneaking out of the house when Mom wasn't there (figuratively speaking.)  And what better time to do that when she was not there?  (She was checking on something relating to canon.)

Ms. Windbreaker decided to look for another 'Sue.   A different 'Sue.  But the Fellowship would not get 'Sued.  No, she was afraid enough of her mom to not try to mess with the Fellowship for a while.  For a while.

She left her heavily perfumed, meadow of wildflowers bedroom, which had butterflies of every color imaginable to man (and some that weren't) and went to her office.

Celestina sat down in her nice, padded, leather swivel chair and took out one big (and by big, I mean hugely thick and fat) file.  And then she started on the task of looking through the file for the perfect Mary Sue.  It was going to be a _long day…_

A/N: Okay, humor/parody is NOT my forte.  I've just decided that.  I know this is kind of short, but it was the perfect place to end it.  I couldn't _make it end, otherwise it really wouldn't work.  Oh well.  If it's too short, then you can always review, and tell me…(hint hint)_


	2. Meeting Metty

Author's Note: Wow, people are liking this!  I hope I haven't messed up Celestina's character.  Normally I won't be able to get my chapters up this fast, but I was able to this time.  Let's hope my writing spree continues.  And without further ado, here is the second chapter.

Disclaimer: None of it is mine.  Metty is not mine.  Celestina is not mine.  Lord of the Rings is not mine.  In fact, anything you can recognize is not mine, and probably all the things you *can't* recognize aren't mine either.

~**~*~**~

Chapter Two:  Meeting Metty

Metty was not concerned about having a long day ahead of her.  Why?  Because she was asleep.  And when you are asleep, you generally aren't concerned about things like that.  Or at least, you don't realize you are.  It's when you wake up that you start worrying.

Her alarm clack yawned.  It was bored.  It was really bored.  It had been watching Metty for what seemed like hours.  It hadn't had any sleep for what seemed like forever.

It blinked its eyes.  They were closing.  It was sleepy, so…slee…The word 'sleepy' trailed off in the middle and became a yawn.

"No!  Must…stay…awake…until she *yawn* wakes *yawn* up.  Oh, forget it.  I can't wait and waste my time, it's too precious.

The alarm clock (which was, incidentally, purple and gold and Celestina Windbreaker) snapped its imaginary (in this form imaginary, at least) fingers.

The purple-and-gold alarm clock disappeared with a *POOF* and a shower of glitter, to be with a more ordinary looking black one.  A few seconds later, Metty disappeared with a similar *POOF* and a similar shower of glitter.

Metty woke up in what seemed to be a throne room.  Well, it kind of looked like one anyway.  It was big, had lots of columns, and polished marble tile.  Of course, it also had a desk, and unless the throne was a padded leather swivel chair, it looked like an office too.

She couldn't decide which it was.  Office or throne room, throne room or office?  Throne office?  Not that it was important, but it was something to think about.

There were lots to think about, mused Metty.  The throne office, for one (although it was most likely the least important one.  How she got here—where 'here' was.  Those were more important—and slightly more worrying—questions.

There was a lady sitting on the chair, she noticed.  The lady had perfect, flawless, skin, and flowing black hair.  You could practically _hear her personality, and it said, "Stubborn, aristocratic, thinks she owns the world, and if you get her annoyed you'll find that she has the power to make your life a living hell."_

Celestina looked up and stared at Metty.  Metty stared back.  Metty stopped staring first, however, simply because it is really hard to outstare a goddess with purple and gold eyes.

"My name is Celestina Windbreaker, and I am the Goddess of Mary Sues," the lady said.

"Cele-what?" Metty asked.

Celestina rolled her eyes and heaved a dramatic sigh.  (She was always big on theatrics.)  "Celestina.  The Goddess of Mary Sues.  And I have chosen you to be my Mary Sue."

"Okay.  Let me get this straight.  You're the goddess of something I've never heard of—"

"Mary Sues," Celestina interjected.

"—and your name is Celestina Something-or-other (of the famous Something-or-other clan)—"

"Windbreaker," Celestina said, annoyed.

"—and you're saying that you've chosen me for something I don't remember volunteering for?"

Celestina smiled pleasantly—or at least, what was supposed to be pleasantly.  What it actually did was blind Metty, not make her feel reassured.  "Precisely."

"And *why* was I chosen?  You couldn't have found someone who *wanted* to be a Mary-thing-a-ma-bobber?"

"Well, if you must know, I choose you because—" she stopped and glared at Metty.  "Oh no, I'm not telling you.  I remember what happened last time I told my Mary Sue my reasons.  She shatters my dreams to pieces!  Very inconsiderate, I call it.  And after all the trouble I'd gone to finding her, bringing her here, and providing her with the best OOC Legolas I could find…er, make."

Metty raised her eyebrows.  "Okay then."

"So, it's all settled.  You are to be my Mary Sue.  It's quite an honor to be chosen by me, you know."

No, I'm not.  Thanks for the offer; I don't want that honor.  Find someone else to be your Mary Sue.  Have a nice day."  With that, Metty started walking towards where she had last seen the door.

~**~*~**~

Author's Note: Well, I like this chapter better than my last one.  Stay tuned for the next episode of…*theme music plays* MarySue Mockfest2004: Pirates of the Caribbean!  Metty learns that Celestina doesn't take "no" for an answer.  She also learns just how powerful said goddess really is…

**The Noble Platypus: Glad you liked your birthday present.  That was the main reason I refrained from posting it until earlier.  I'm glad you think I'm doing a good job with Celestina; she's the character I'm most worried of mangling.  Did you know Norway's princess was born January 21, 2004?  Your birthday!**

**Spoofmaster: I know what you mean. ; )**

**Anamaria Elentari: Don't worry, I will!  I'm glad you want more of el story-o!**

**Hirilnara: The rest is coming!**

**Skimbleshanks, the Railway CAT: You might find out more about Celestina's sister, if I can ever find a name for her.  Any name suggestions are welcome…I'll update as often as possible, no fear!**

**Ember Firedrake: Thanks for the compliment.  I'm glad you like the intro chapter.  I hope you like this chapter also!**

**chuckleup-**buttercup**: Well, I can't finish it yet, because I haven't written all the chapters and I only have a vague idea of what's going to happen, but I can update!**


	3. Agreeing and Signing

Disclaimer: None of it belongs to me.  Not Celestina Windbreaker (she belongs to Platy, I'm just borrowing her) not Metty (she belongs to herself) or Pirates of the Caribbean and the characters featured in it.  They belong to…Disney?  Anyhow, they belong to whoever came up with the idea.

Author's Note: I know, I know, it came a bit late.  But back to back tests really use up your time.  And I admit it, I procrastinated.  If you wanted a story with regular updates (I suggest you try The Games of the Gods by Crimson Starlight) then you shouldn't have read this story.  Because I procrastinate.  A lot.  But anyhow, here's Chapter Three!

~**~*~**~

Chapter Three:  Agreeing and Signing

Celestina sat whistling, bored out of her goddess-y mind.  Really, Metty was no fun—she was searching for a way out.  She had been searching for a way out for quite a while.  But she wasn't going to find anything.  Celestina didn't have many talents, but she could hide her door from puny mortals who wanted to escape her clutch.  (It came from having to hide from her mother's wrath so often.)

"It's not there you know," she told Metty amusedly.

"What do you mean it's not there?  All rooms have doors.  Except maybe insane places—no, they have doors too."

"You won't find it," Celestina tried again.

"Of course I will!  It's just a matter of time."  Metty's face fell.  "A lot of time."

"Face it Metty.  You'll never find it."  Celestina smirked.  "*I* hid it."

"You know what Cele-bloody-stina?  You have a major problem.  Bringing some innocent person into your plans?  Just.  Let.  Me.  Leave!"  Metty was rapidly losing patience with the goddess.

For that matter, Celestina was rapidly losing patience with the mortal girl, but she had one more trick up her sleeve.  "I could send you to Pirates of the Caribbean," she said.  It was part of her grand plan anyway.  But there was no need to tell Metty that.  Whatever got her to go.

Metty turned around.  It was a tempting offer.  To be so close to her lust object... "You would be very close to Johnny Depp…or do you prefer Captain Sparrow?"  Celestina smirked again.

"What part would he play in the story?" she asked.

_Whatever part I tell him to play._  "He'd be on the Black Pearl, and so would you," she said, evading the question.

Luckily for Celestina, Metty didn't pick up on the evasion.  She was to busy contemplating the fact that she was so close to being close to Jack Sparrow—but she had to agree to Celestina's offer first.

Actually, she didn't have to agree first.  Celestina could just send her there now, without her consent.  But if the victim—ahem, lucky girl—agreed, it made them so much easier to deal with. Usually.  Sometimes though, Celestina got so annoyed with the chosen person she just sent them, often to the very last place they wanted to go.  But Metty didn't know any of that.

"So?  What is your decision?" Celestina queried.  "Will you agree to be my Mary Sue for Pirates of the Caribbean?"

Metty was still undecided, but a decision was required, and required now.  "Fine.  I'll be your Mary Sue."  That had been a split-second decision.  Whether or not she would come to regret it she didn't know.

Celestina smiled, showing her perfect, bright, pearly white teeth.  "Good.  Now, sign here, and then I'll send you to the Caribbean—more specifically the Black Pearl."  She handed Metty a piece of paper, all blank except for the line where she was supposed to sign.

"What's this?"

"A piece of paper.  You sign on the line," Celestina responded.

"Yes, I see that.  But *why* do I have to sign?"

"Just a little insurance for you.  Basically it means that you agree to let me use you as an OC in one of my stories.  It protects you from my mom."  _Or rather it protects me from my mom…sometimes._

"Is that all?"  Metty looked suspiciously at Celestina.  "What's the catch?"

"No catch," Celestina replied innocently.  "Just sign the thing."

"Fine."  With one more dubious glance at the goddess and then at the paper, Metty signed it.

"One Caribbean 'Sue, coming right up."  Celestina snapped her fingers, and with the *POOF* and shower of glitter associated with the snapping of her fingers, Metty disappeared.

"No catch except one."  The previously blank paper now showed lots of writing.  Celestina smiled deviously, and looked over the paper.

I, Metty, agree to become Celestina Windbreaker's Mary Sue, for Pirates of the Caribbean.  I agree to be the romantic focus of Will Turner, blacksmith and to be the main character.  I also agree not to sue Celestina Windbreaker.  By signing this contract, I accept these terms, and show that I have read them and that this was voluntary.

Signed and witnessed by Celestina Windbreaker, 2•17•04

Yes, there was no catch except for that one major catch.  Celestina's plan had started.  Metty had agreed, and gone to the Caribbean.  Who (besides Celestina—and even then she didn't know everything, though she liked to think she did) knew what was going to happen next?

~**~*~**~

Author's note:  Well, there it is.  Hope you liked it.  You can always press the pretty periwinkle button and tell me what you think…

**The Noble Platypus**:  Yes, more!  I'm glad I didn't mangle Celestina's character.  Now I just hope I haven't mangled Metty's.  I mean, I've only known her for what?  Nine years?  Yeah, nine years.  It is illogical that you aren't a princess when theirs a princess with the same name as you and the same birthday.  Just out of curiosity, which princess has the same name?

**CrazedElfStalker**:  Thanks.  The evil sister won't come into the story unless I have a name for her, which currently I don't.  All suggestions are welcome.  (She's the goddess of bad slash, btw.)

**Froggy**:  Yeah, isn't Platy's story just spectacular?  Well, more story is right here, and I'll try to write more.

**Rachel**:  Thanks.  I didn't mean to keep anybody waiting.  I just wanted to wait for Platy's birthday to post it.

**Ember Firedrake**:  Yes, Metty's seen the movie.  She wanted me to put her in a fanfic story, and as I was going to make my spin-off anyway, I decided to use her.  As you might be able to tell, she likes Johnny Depp.

**Dream Cast**:  Glad you love it.  I love mostly everything too!  Except tests, and some of my classmates, and when people don't update for a long long time (even though I don't update for long long times) and when I don't have a lot of books to read.  I'll try to hurry with the next chappie.

**Skimbleshanks****, the Railway CAT**:  Thanks.  Originally her eyes were a different color, but when I was typing it I decided I didn't like the original color, and changed to the purple/gold thing.  I'm glad I did, too.

**Kathryn Bushore**:  Glad you love it.  Here's the next chapter!


	4. Aboard the Pearl

Disclaimer: Sadly, I'm not rich, and sadly, I don't own a thing.

Author's Note: I know, it's been forever since I updated. I'm sorry. I'm just lazy. But I finally updated! Aren't you proud?

Oh, and she's rolling in the first paragraph because of the ship's motion. Just so you know.

Chapter Four: Aboard the Pearl

Metty fell off the bed with a 'thud.'

"Fine Mom, I'm up," she grumbled as she turned over sleepily. She rolled over. "Ow, Mom!" She rolled again. "Mom, this isn't funny!"

Metty finally forced herself to open her eyes. "This…isn't my room," she said as she looked around her warily. Yesterday's…activities…came rushing back to her.

"Celestina!"

Poof "You called?" she asked sarcastically.

"Where am I?"

"Why Metty," she said, faking surprise. "You're on the Black Pearl…didn't you know? Mr. Sparrow is out there—"she nodded to the door, "—as is your fiancé."

"Oh."

Celestina smirked. "I'll just be going now," she said, as she snapped her fingers, and poofed out of the chapter.

Metty thought back over the recent conversation. Something didn't seem right…but she couldn't for the life of her figure out what it was.

_Maybe I'm just imagining things,_ she thought as she walked out of the cabin and onto the deck.

_"Mr. Sparrow is out there—as is your fiancé."_

Metty gasped. The way Celestina had phrased that sentence—could she have gone back on her deal? _No…you don't even know her_, Metty chided herself. _So?__ That doesn't mean there isn't the possibility that she is a nasty, dirty, lying, cheating, scumbag._

Metty saw Will Turner and Captain Jack Sparrow standing with their backs turned to her, looking out at the sea. She stared appreciatively at the view of a certain Captain's butt—er, back! I mean back!

_See?_ Inner voice #1 told her smugly. _You're on the Black __Pearl__ with jack…just like Jacket told you._

_So?_Inner voice #2 said. _You don't know if you're Jack's love interest or (heaven forbid) Will's._

Metty sighed. Great. She was having conversations with herself now. Just lovely.

Will turned. "Ah, Adelle! You're up!" He rushed towards someone behind Metty…

A/N: Sorry, it was a short chapter. But at least it was an update, right? And no offense to Will fangirls, I'm one myself, but the real Metty doesn't like him, so…

**EmberFiredrake**: Yeah, I wouldn't mind being Will's LO (lust object) either, but...well, so much for it not taking too long!

**Froggy**: I'm glad you like the story. Here's more!

**ElvenPrincessSapphire**: I wish I was his love interest also. Well, it wasn't ASAP, but at least I updated. I'll try not to take to long next time.

**Platy**: Yeah, Celestina is getting wiser…not much though, or she wouldn't be doing this to someone who doesn't want to do it.

**Kathryn Bushore**: I wanna murder her also, but, sadly, she's a fictional character, and I can't. But she's a lotta fun to write.

**crouching-dragon**: commas and dots are fun…! Well, I will continue, but it won't be fast…

**the**** One Duckypus**: a cross between a duck and a platypus? We used to own ducks…sadly, the evil raccoons ate them. I was sad.

**Gilraen**** Ar-Feiniel1**: It wasn't soon, but it was an update, at least.

**Melime**: Again, the update wasn't soon, but at least I updated…right?

**Kara**: Sorry, Guardian Angel isn't gonna go back up…I don't like it all that much anymore and I don't want my (ex!)classmates to flame me. It was annoying enough the first 2 weeks they did it…

**Skimbleshanks**: I doubt anyone will tell her…Celestina certainly won't! But she'll figure it out for herself soon, never fear!

Now…at the bottom of the page there is a pretty blue button…press it and tell me what you think!


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